Grief Archives - Rina Podolsky Therapy

Divorce and loss

There is research that ranks divorce as one of the most stressful life events, second only to loosing a long term spouse or life partner to death. (Dohrenwend et al., 1978; Holmes and Rahe, 1967; Gahler, 2006).
The end of a relationship can feel like the end of life as you knew it, it is common to experience a sense of chaos, a lack of control over your own path.
There are different circumstances that will impact how you experience divorce; the length of the marriage, whether there are children from the relationship, the reason for the relationship ending, if you are the one who is making the decision to end it, whether it was unexpected or the divorce is coming after many years of the couple experiencing ongoing struggles in the relationship. In some of these circumstances you will have some added painful emotions, however, everyone will experience a grieving process after the end of a long term relationship, even the person who is choosing to leave the marriage might find themselves alternating from grief to relief or even elation at first and then grief.
According to Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross there are 5 stages of grief –Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance- In my work with people who are dealing with the impact of a divorce I have noticed that like with any type of grief, each person has their own time frames and pace as they go through these stages however most people will experience all five stages at least at some point.
What is not so often talked about is that the sense of grief is more far reaching than what we anticipate, often clients will speak of feeling like they are going through different grieving processes at once, they are grieving the relationship, the loss of a best friend, partner in parenting, the loss of a future they had anticipated – what life was going to be like as they grew old together-, they are grieving the loss of the family unit. There are other secondary losses as well such as loss of the family home when it is agreed that neither one will keep it, there is often a loss a friendships, a loss of family –as in you no longer have in-laws and other people who were family by marriage are no longer family to you- And we can continue adding to the list. In truth, there is also a loss of your own identity, and before you get to a place where you can re-build yourself, you go through the impact of the losses and its accompanying grief.
Just like with other grieving processes there are certain things that you need to understand and that you can do to help along your healing;
Be Patientwith your process- There is not a set timeline and not a single way to go through the grieving process, as a matter of fact, the five stages we mentioned earlier, don’t happen in a linear fashion, you can go through the anger stage multiple times and each time it might have a different duration and intensity, there were days where clients cycled through all five stages in about half an hour and it repeated itself multiple times in that same day, other times they felt they were firmly planted in denial or depression for what felt like weeks.
I find it helpful to think of grieving as a layered process, the initial layer is one where the emotions are more intense -after the shock wears off- later layers feel like the emotions are sometimes very intense but dissipate faster and sometimes they are longer lasting but very faint in their intensity.Just accept that for now, you will be experiencing waves of emotion that will hit and then leave, and they do hit like a wave sometimes in the least expected moments. This brings me to the next point,
Accept the emotions, don’t try to avoid them or push them away. The emotions you are going through right now can be overwhelming, as matter of fact they are sometimes accompanied by physical sensations and even physical pain. It is a natural response for humans to try to avoid pain, however, one of the causes of anxiety during the process of grief comes from us trying to push away what we need to allow to be there, even when it is unpleasant and overwhelming.
Think of emotions as intense energy, if you try to push it away it will find a different channel to come out and sometimes with greater force. So how can you do this? When you feel a wave of sadness, don’t push it away, don’t try to ignore it by distracting yourself, instead of that, allow yourself to feel what it is like to feel sad, pay attention to how your body is feeling, is it your chest, your stomach, you can choose to give that emotion a name, perhaps right now it feels like despair, and then just let it be there, if tears come, let them flow. I often hear people say that they resist the emotions and tears out of fear that if they allow them to start they will never stop and they will be consumed by them, in which case I tell people that it is a normal fear, allow yourself to feel the fear, start allowing your emotions right there, with the fear itself but know that emotions DO pass, they have a beginning a peak and an end, it will dissipate and as they pass through they will start loosing their fierceness.
Also be aware of not judging your emotions, you don’t need to judge the emotion, you only accept that it is there and you let it be there. And this also means that you do not judge yourself for having these emotions, you are NOT your emotions, just get curious about them, accept them and let them pass whenever they are done.
One quick word on anger, there is a significant difference between allowing the anger to be there and acting on the anger, if you are feeling angry you can hit a pillow, you can scream out, write about it or find different safe ways for the anger to have a positive outlet, particularly during a divorce it is easy to fall into turning the ex-partner into our receptacle for all our anger, that only serves to make things more complicated, but this common trap only brings us very temporary relief and long term damage and hurt.
DON’T Isolate yourself, one of the common reactions during times of sadness and depression is to go into what feels like our protective shelf, however we need the exact opposite, during these trying times we need community, we need human connection. Reach out to the people who love you, during the divorce you might have lost part of that community but get close to the people who are still here for you. It is also a great time to start building a new community, look for support groups for other people who are grieving or who are going through the end of a long term relationship. Look for groups of people who share one of your interest and meet with them on a regular basis.
For the sake of clarity, I am not recommending that you join a dating site –not just yet- or that you initiate a new relationship at this point, I actually suggest you hold off on starting a new relationship until your grief process is at a later stage.
Take care of yourself Many of my clients come in and tell me to forget self care, they share how they are struggling to eat, sleep and just get through the basic functions of the day. The problem is that if you don’t start forcing yourself to make strides, even if they are small steps at first in self care, the harder it will be for you to get back to regular functioning. Make sure you are forcing yourself to have regular food intake –even if they are smaller somewhat healthy nibbles and not full meals- try to get to bed at the same time every night and don’t fall into looking at your cell phone once in bed. Add exercise at least 4 times per week and add any other activities that have helped you get through difficult times in the past, these can be anything from journaling, creating and listening to a specific play list of happy music, deep breathing, using mindfulness throughout your day, having meaningful moments with friends and loved ones, meditation, yoga, etc.
I know that it is hard to believe at this time, but I know that many of my clients have found it helpful to remind themselves that this is one more experience in life and they trusted me when I told them that I have seen plenty of people come out of it, so tell yourself, this too shall pass. In the meantime, remember that there is help out there, reach out, there are many options from individual to group therapy that can help you get through this.

Grieving a divorce or break up

Grief is painful

Getting through grief
Everyone will experience grief of some sort at some point in life, after all, to love is to experience loss at some point, however, most people don’t have a clear understanding of what grief is about. In my work, as I help people during these painful process I often hear questions about what “healthy” grieving should look like, what is normal for them to feel, how long is it ok for someone to continue experiencing symptoms of grief.
The word grief comes the French word “Grevere” which literally means “burden”, so grieving is carrying a heavy load. There are some common characteristics that are often used to describe the road through this process, people say it is painful, heavy, intense, there is a physical pain that accompanies the emotional one, it is exhausting and it can feel overwhelming. Given this list of symptoms, it is no wonder that people often try to cope with their grief by finding ways to avoid feeling it or avoid even thinking about these emotions, they look for ways to NOT experience them, anything from not thinking, not speaking about it, drinking or using other substances to help numb the emotions, throwing themselves into work, making drastic changes, anything and everything that helps them “move on”. Don’t get me wrong, we do want to move on, but not allowing our heart to heal is not the same as moving on.
You can think of emotions as energy that needs to pass through, if you block emotions by pushing them away or trying to suppress them, it is like holding a ball under water, the ball does not go away or disappear, emotions will persist and find the first opportunity to jump back out with a great force.
So what can we do in order to get through this experience or to help our loved one when they are the ones going through it.
Grief is real
Don’t set a timeline: First, we must understand that everyone grieves differently and there is no set timeframe. One of the recurring complains that I hear is that people feel like those around them are wanting them to “get over it already”. Think of grieving as a multi layered process and each layer has a different duration, different intensity and different quality of emotion to it. Understand that a little piece of you has been lost and grief will stay with you for a long time however ,with the passing of time the intensity of that pain will recede. You will forever miss your loved one but the pain won’t feel unbearable anymore. Grief is a personal process and will be different for each one of us, it might take a longer or shorter time, it will have certain emotions for you that might not include for someone else.
Accept your emotions: You can expect to feel many emotions you can also expect to feel anxious, experts have recently proposed that the 5 stages of grief –Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance- are missing anxiety, as they find it more descriptive of the experience that happens at some point in the grieving process. This anxiety happens in great measure because grief is uncomfortable and even perceived as threatening, people become anxious, the emotions can feel so overwhelming that people described feeling like they are afraid that they are going to be lost to them. When it comes to emotions, it is best to get curious about them, develop an interest, don’t try to suppress them, don’t judge them. Think of them as waves, when it breaks the impact feels very strong but they have a beginning, a middle and an end, this means that they will pass. It is helpful to try to describe them, name them, pay attention to where in my body am I experiencing them, and remember, if you allow it to be there, it will pass. Tears might last for five minutes or five hours, let them flow and they will stop.
One note on the five stages of grief, don’t think of them in a linear way, just because you already experiences anger it does not mean that it won resurface later. Some people don’t experience all five stages, and some stay in a certain stage longer periods of time, I can not stress this enough, grief is a unique and personal process.
Take care of yourself: Make sure you are taking care of yourself, this is a time where you will benefit from establishing certain rituals and systems to assure that you are eating well, you are sleeping as well as possible. Exercise is of great help, it allows your body to release helpful “happy” chemicals that will help in the healing process and they help burn out some of the emotions and energy. Don’t isolate yourself, even though you might feel like people around you are getting tired of your sorrow, more often than not, people say unhelpful things out of lack of knowing what to say, and out of their personal anxiety of seeing someone they care for in pain. Research has found that one of the variables that show greater impact in the recovery of trauma, grief, depression, etc., is having attachments, building community. There are support groups specific to grieving and bereavement, getting together with other people who understand your experience first hand and talking to them about this is very powerful.
Take action, whether it is by reaching out for support from friends, a support group, personal therapy. Use this time for self reflection and growth. When we experience difficulties in life we also have the opportunity to experience growth. You might decide that you want to grow from your loved ones life and initiate something to honor their memory, it can be as simple as writing something about them, doing a creative piece in their honor, maybe giving to a charity that would have been significant to them, do it according to your circumstances and to what is meaningful for you.
If you want professional support as you go through this process you can reach outto us if you are in San Diego, we can help find a good fit for your therapy needs.

Grieving a Divorce or Break Up

What To Do When You Experience Grief

Archive for category: Grief